The "Fixer" Mentality and Why You Can Let Go

Sometimes I have to remind myself that "There is a God, and I am not Him." "There is a God, and I am not Him." "There is a God, and I am not Him." You get the idea.

Being the wife of a recovering addict is not an easy job. I have had to surrender my husband's recovery more times than I can count. I have had to pull my hands of control off his recovery program more than I want to admit. 

Honestly, I wish I could fix him. I wish I could just make it so he never had another struggle, another temptation, another slip. I wish I could rescue him and make everything better for him.  But I can't. 

I wish I could make sure that I would never be hurt again by his addiction. I wish there was a quick fix. A medication. A mantra. A yoga pose that would do the job in minutes. But there's not.

There is grace though. For him. For me. There is also Truth. Truth that will set us both free. And there is time. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Grace and truth over time. Sounds like a formula for recovery. And it is. 

I can't fix my husband. I can't fix me. But God can. And His grace is enough to sustain me while I apply His truth to my life every single moment of every day. 

So today, I again remind myself that "There is a God. A good God. A gracious God. A God full of truth. And I am not Him." And in this moment I am just fine with that. And I will remind myself of it again in the next. And the next. And the next.

Blessings!

With the Same Comfort

Three years ago, when my husband's affair was uncovered, the last thing on my mind was how "making it through" that time would help others make it through their "times".  I was in survival mode. However, this week I got to see how God can use my pain to work His grace in someone else's life.

A few months ago, I received a 911 Facebook message from a dear friend from college.  She had just been told of her husband's affair.  As I talked with her over two hours, I heard echoes of myself in the words she was saying and could empathize more than I wish I could.

Over several months, I have talked with her and heard her fears, struggles, anger, and grief.  Last night, I was privileged to see the miracle of reconciliation in her marriage as my husband and I (we are now reconciled) were able to have dinner with her and her husband and see the forgiveness and love and grace of God being given and received between the two of them.

If we will allow God to comfort us in our pain, He will allow us to comfort others with the same comfort we received.  But the caveat is that we must allow God to comfort us. There is purpose in our pain.  If we choose to grow bitter, and unforgiving, our pain will define us, bury us, and keep us from the amazing discovery that there is life after pain. And not just our lives, but the lives of others who will have hope because we have made it through to tell our story.

Being a victim may make us feel empowered, but there is no power in being a victim.  There is only prison.  Prisoner to our bitterness.  Prisoner to our hatred.  Prisoner to our feelings.

It is a choice to walk out of "victim" prison.  You have to decide to let God use your pain instead of your pain using you.  Your pain has purpose... and someone needs to hear your story to deal with the pain they're facing today.

Blessings!

Great Expectations

The New Year gets much hype.  It's easy to get caught up in the frenzy of setting all kinds of expectations for ourselves in the New Year.  I, too, have some goals for myself.  One is to write more.  Hence, I am writing this post today.  Writing is an outlet for me.  I have found it calms me and keeps me sane to write down my thoughts, ideas, anxieties, hopes, fears, burdens, and prayers.

The New Year can also be overwhelming as I think of "getting through" another year of planning, parenting, and meeting other people's expectations of me.  My job is a "people" job and there are no shortage of "people" problems.  Not a week goes by that someone doesn't request my help with an issue in his or her life.  Don't get me wrong.  I know God has asked me to help others and I am honored that He chose me for the task.  It just never gets easier to see people hurting and I wish I had more answers to people's hurts and confusion and doubts.

I know one thing for sure.  God has already seen this New Year.  He is already in it.  He knows what will happen this year.  He's leading me into it and He will give the strength, wisdom, and hope needed every step along the way.  He has good plans for this year!

Because I know God loves me perfectly, I don't have to be afraid of 2013.  Because God has promised to be the God of the impossible, I don't have to worry about the impossibilities I will face.

Last night, as we brought in the new year with our Celebrate Recovery family, I was reminded that in 2013 I want to continue to see God's hope and grace transform lives!!  And I want to be a part of a plan like that.  I won't be perfect this year, but I will be living out of God's grace for me.

Happy New Year!

Many Blessings!

Where Pain and Hope Collide

Telling your story of recovery is freeing, liberating, inspiring... and painful.

In the last month, I have had to "re-live" my past on a consistent basis, or at least it has felt that way.  

With every crisis phone call, and every person seeking hope, I have an opportunity to share how God has brought hope into my hopelessness, and restored me when I was at my lowest point.  Sounds great, right?  It is!  God has been faithful to me and never abandoned me in my pain.  However, there was still pain... and pain is painful.

As I relay my hope-filled story, I am reminded of a pain-filled past.  Painful memories flood my mind and tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I remember the betrayal and hurt that reside in the calendar days of a few years ago.  I don't want to feel those feelings but they are a part of my story.  

So, I have options... Do I not tell my story so I don't have to remember the pain of the past?  Or do I put walls around my heart as I tell the story and live in denial that the past hurt so deeply so that telling my story is easier?  Or, do I tell my story, pain and all, so that it can help one more person know that there is hope even in the greatest pain...

For me, the answer is clear.  I will not let the pain of my past keep my story under lock and key, unavailable to be read by someone who may desperately need to know that in all the pain, there is hope.

There is always hope. 

With my story, comes pain. But... with my story, comes hope.

Blessings!

More Than a Cheesy Saying

We used to say in our 12-step group that the program only works if you work it, so keep on working it because you're worth it!

At first, I just thought it was a really cheesy saying. But I said it just like everyone else. Then something happened. I started to believe it.

I started to believe that it was no one else's responsibility to make me well. It was my responsibility to work on my recovery. And recovery is hard work. It's introspection to the nth degree. It's open and raw vulnerability. It's painful digging up hurts, uprooting old habits, repairing damaged relationships.

But recovery programs only work if you work the program.

And you will only work the program if you believe you are worth recovering.

Blaming other people for where you are in life will keep you from recovering.

Shaming yourself because of what you've done will keep you from recovering.

First, you have to believe that YOU need recovery.

Yes..you! We can easily pinpoint all the people in our lives that NEED help.  And usually it's everyone but us. If the people around us would get it together than life would be better. The quality of your life doesn't have to depend on the people around you. You can become healthy and whole when you take ownership for your own issues and start the recovery process.

Second, you have to believe you are worth recovery.

And you are. I believe you are. God created you and has a plan for you. He believes you are worth recovery. Take a minute and think about what the "recovered you" would like.  Then know that God wants you to get there. Can you envision yourself actually liking yourself?

Don't wait... You are worth it!  Reach out for help. Take initiative for your own recovery. You are not alone.

Blessings!

The Most Important RSVP

I read a quote today that reminded me of me.  Mark Batterson, in his book, The Circle Maker, says, "If you are not praying TO God, then you are PLAYING God."

I find myself trying to "play" God often.  I try to figure something out on my own. I try to rescue someone out of their circumstances. I focus on self-help rather than Spirit-help.

Maybe you find yourself in the same boat. Prayer is reserved for when I REALLY, REALLY need help -- when I've gotten myself in a royal mess, and can't see the way out. When I don't have any energy left. When my reserves are depleted. When I remember that He was there waiting for me to call out to Him all the time...

I am so thankful that God is a God of amazing grace! He doesn't say "I told you so"!  He listens and replies and I listen and reply, and life is back to normal again.

Why is it that when I have tasted the sweetness of intimacy with my Heavenly Father that it's so easy for me to go back to self-sufficiency again? I honestly don't know, except that I am a go-getter, mass producer, implementer, type A crazy person who seems to always have to learn the hard way.

I find myself in the pig sty with the prodigal son wondering how I got there AGAIN! Why was I okay with going off on my own to try to figure the world out for myself?  When will I ever "get it"?

By God's grace, I find that I am "getting it" a little more each and every day.  I hear my Father calling me... and I run to Him. I sense the Spirit wooing me into a special time of worship and prayer, and I RSVP immediately.

It is a daily choice to develop deeper intimacy or to develop better "methods" of dealing with life.

Thankfully, I am finding more and more that I am choosing intimacy over the insanity of trying the same methods and hoping for different and better results.

What about you?  Do you find yourself in the boat of self-sufficiency, paddling frantically to stay on course?  If so, put the paddles down and raise the sail and let the Holy Spirit lead the boat to where He wants your destination to be. You will arrive to your destination energized instead of exhausted... rested instead of rushed... hopeful instead of harried...

Stop playing God and start praying to Him... all the time.

Blessings!

The Ugly Word

Selfishness. Not a word I like to associate myself with. It's an ugly word. It's something I teach my kids is super bad! Yet I find myself at my core a selfish person.

Every time I find myself dealing with temptation, I find my selfishness at the core of it.  I want something I can't have. I want more of something that I already have enough of. I want my own way. I want to buy more things. I want to have more me time. I want. I want. I want.

Sounds ugly when I say it out loud. 

Learning to be content is a process. But it starts with a decision to say "enough is enough". I have enough. I am enough. I don't lack any good thing. 

And it's true. I don't lack any good thing. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ that I have never had to earn and should have never deserved. I have a husband who loves me for who I am and is my biggest fan on this planet. I have children who hug me and kiss me every day. I have friends who make me feel so valuable. I have my dream job! I have a home, two cars, and a hammock!

I am so blessed. 

And I would just bet that if you would take time to spell out your haves instead of your have-nots, you would see that you are amazingly blessed as well!

The next time selfishness tries to invade my brain... I will battle it with contentment because I have God's "more-than-enough". 

Recognizing that you are enough and have enough will help you move forward on the road to recovery.  So take that step forward today. Remember, it's one step at a time...

Blessings!